alaBIFF

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-- Steven Wright

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
-- Mitch Hedberg

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
-- George Best

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits

If I had a nickel for every beer I've bought; I'd buy more.
-- Priscilla Marsh

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria.
-- German Proverb

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
-- Drew Cary

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-- Unknown

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Unknown

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!
-- Danny Jansen

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
-- Terry Pratchett

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
-- David Moulton

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa